Squirrel Hockey

by Jake Jonnes

Sometime around Y2K Grandpa asked me to come out and help him with a rodent problem. Apparently a squirrel had chewed his/her way through the fascia and into the house and began chewing up the blinds and damaging the kitchen. Now there are four common species of squirrel in Minnesota: Gray, Fox, Red and Flying. Of course the suspect in this case of breaking and entering had to be the Red!! The meanest and noisiest of the tree rats.

When I arrived on the scene we decided it was imperative to confine the perpetrator to a small area with multiple doors. We were in luck, he was in the kitchen with two doors to freedom. Grandpa armed himself as I armored up for battle. The war would have been lost if the squirrel was to make it to the other 1000’s of sq ft of the house. I positioned myself in opening to the hallway equipped with two oven mitts. My sole purpose was prevent a breach at all costs as grandpa persuaded our furry friend towards a door with a broom. Once I was in position grandpa put OPERATION I-ROCKY FREEDOM in motion. Now there was no skirmishing or attempts to flank the opponents…Grandpa went with a full frontal assault. Chasing the squirrel around the island several times. There were sounds of squirrel claws struggling for traction on the linoleum floors, whacks of the broom off the cupboards and grandpa’s shouts. It took everything I had to apply kick saves and bat the ball back in play while trying to prevent embarrassing urine spots in my pants due to uncontrollable laugher. Twice I had to sprawl my entire body across the floor.

Eventually we prevailed and reclaimed the kitchen for the Jonnes Clan. A simple repair to the Fascia and as far as I know the squirrels have kept to their own environment.

The sight of grandpa running around the island chasing the struggling squirrel with broom was hilarious but I will NEVER forget the sounds of chaos.