Practical Joke #37: The Dead Bloody Bat

by Steve Jonnes

The third floor attic of the Yellow House on Burlington Street was often home to wayward bats during the summer months, which was a distinct hazard for Chris and I as we made our way up to our rooms. Once trapped in the attic, the bats often slowly died and had a tendency to settle on the lowest steps of the third floor stairs. One time, at the age of 14, I left the TV room to head up to bed, and opened the door to the third floor and stepped right on a sluggish dying bat in my bare feet. I jumped back and called to my Mom and Dad. Chris and I usually had to deal with the bats on our own, but for once, Dad came to the rescue. While Mom and I were discussing how to dispose of the bat properly, Dad grabbed a broom, swept the near lifeless bat to the landing on the second floor and promptly crushed its head with the heal of his shoe! No more discussion necessary! The body of the squished and bloody bat lay lifeless on the wooden floor. “Oh Nels! Did you have to do that right there?” Mom said.

Undaunted and in full action mode, Dad ordered me to go down and get the dust pan. I stormed down the back stairs to the kitchen… and to set the story right, you have to understand that like many Victorian homes, the back set of stairs were very narrow and extremely steep. There is only room for one person to go up or down so you cannot move to the side easily. Grabbing the dust pan, I turned back up the stairs and began to race up with my head down. Suddenly, a loud, “FORE!!” resounded down the narrow steps, my head jerked up and I saw Dad crouched at the top of the stairs with the broom raised high like a goalie attempting a slap shot … then SWISH! My reaction was instinctive, as was the high piercing wail that came out of my lungs. I tumbled as if in slow motion backwards down the stairs and landed upside down at the foot of the stairs!

Of course, no bat accompanied the big swing; it was all a trick. Needless to say this was a big joke to Dad and he never laughed so loud. Mom got a big kick out of it too. After a long moment of shock, and while still lying on my back with my feet pointed directly up at my parents (and after realizing I had not cracked my head), I too began to laugh.